Consecutive Nightmares

Recently, I haven't been resting well. I had nightmares in 3 consecutive days, or maybe nightmare isn't exactly the appropriate word for it.

For the first night, I dream of someone's(a pair actually) death, woke up in grief. It was painful and excruciating, making me realize how important it is to treasure people around me and love them while I still can.

For the second night, I dream of someone's change, and I woke up in fear of what happened. I saw a completely different outlook, style, and vibe, as if it's a stranger in front of me. It's scary and shocking because the person that I am so close with seems like a stranger that I've never knew before. I realize how important to live as who we truly are, to be real and honest to people around us if we want to build a real relationship. We often interact with people with many reserves, and sometimes tend to separate intimacy level with being real. Many times when we experience problems we tend to hide it under cover, showing the "I'll be alright after some time." mask. And after we sort of handled it(emotionally and physically), we share with people that it's all fine now and I've learnt something from it so pray for me and I will be fine. Sometimes we like to take on the "I'm tough"mask such that we don't have to worry about admitting how weak and frightened we really are. Sometimes we put on the "I-am-able-to-handle-all-these-pain-and-pressure." mask, one that allows us to avoid hard questions or share, and just replying with a "It's all in God's hands and all is fine." will do. Don't misunderstand, I am not saying that having faith in God and trusting in Him is wrong, but the question is, is that all real? We are so afraid to show people our weakness, or sometimes we just think that we shall keep it all in us so that we won't vent it on others. However, God gives us companions so that we can find mutual support and encouragement, such that through mutual effort we can form a greater strength. If here we are talking about how we want people in cell group to open up and share more and do away with all the superficial interactions, we have to start sharing life and not sharing problems. Meaning, remove the reservation, remove all that binds you from being your true inner self.

My third night. I dream of myself having cancer and living at the end of my life(on earth). I see how much I can do with what God has given me or equipped me with, yet I don't have the time to make it happen or or fulfill what needs to be done. Full of regrets, I knelt down and cry asking for just a little bit more time such that I can complete the job/race that's burdened upon me. Life is short and time is running, there are things that needs to take priority and I shall live as if it's my last days. There I woke up in sadness and regrets, and there I found motivation and strength.

I don't know why I've write all these. I can sort of foresee people feeling unhappy or disagree, but the truth is I wrote it without any specifics in mind and just hope to share. Though I find the dreams painful, but I'm indeed grateful, for it woke me up from another of itself.